Thursday, September 19, 2019

Published 6:01 PM by with 0 comment

Depression, Depersonalization And The Fear Of Existence Itself


A new angle for this blog that I was interested in doing for a while but didn't have the right availability for it until recently.

Some background: I am an autistic adult, born in 1984 and, as of writing, currently 35 years old. I have had anxieties with reality in the context of the temporal as far back as I can remember. Some of it has been a product of autistic youth, but much of it that exists today is a product of an episodic combination of major clinical depression and major clinical depersonalization. I have had these episodes at least since the age of 18 and had them at age 21, 24ish, 32 and currently have one at age 35 that works to erase the work I've done accepting aging, death, change, loss, decay and the most basic fundamental understanding of what it means to exist. For some reason, these episodes focus only on existential issues, but from there makes sure I am thoroughly afraid of all of it. It's something like a stereotypical midlife crisis combined with what I imagine it's like to be given a diagnosis of a terminal illness and given 6 months to live.

Thankfully, I am familiar enough with this weird episodic affliction that I am able to recognize it for the sickness it is and work to bring myself back to normal. Since 2016, when I had my age-32 episode (the worst of them), I have been taking appropriate medication for it and working with my doctor to manage it. The bad news is that what I'm going through does not appear to be as normal or common as other types depressives go through, so finding that which can neutralize the fears with logic and wisdom has been tough - though in so many years with so much research on it where I need it, I have found that which can work to help others in my position, and anyone else who is afraid of aging, death, change, loss, decay as it applies to them.

In subsequent articles, I will be tackling them as short, to the point, and with as little ambiguity as possible. I will be taking quite a religious/spiritual approach here, so invocations of God, afterlife, fate and such will need to be part of it, however this, again, is designed to help appeal to the emotional/spiritual part of the person who is suffering, because that is the part that needs help until medical science can jump in. I do genuinely stand behind what I say and there is no condemnation or hellfire that will be applied here (in fact, you'll see that I largely dismiss eternal afterlife scenarios in what I talk about).

I used to be afraid of getting old, of dying, of parting from things. I am not any longer and I refuse to be afraid of these things. I was born a human being, I have a lifespan and life cycle and it is mine to make good with as best I can. I will invite you to do the same.


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