Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sermonium - A pronouncement from Zealot's Zenith


Good afternoon, I am the man who calls himself J.S. Lawhead. I won't rehash a lot of text I already put on the sidebar, but I will go into introducing myself further. I am from the mystic mountains of the Smokies in Tennessee; a land filled with some kind of collective spirit or subconscious that permeates through the trees and ridges to form an unmistakable atmosphere that I can bet whats left of my life I will never find anywhere else. I am currently eating a bowl of Special K which I can largely conclude is Frosted Flakes without the sugar volume that killed Marty Feldman. In my headphones is Phantasy Star Universe - Ukishima. What does this have to do with anything?

Volume.

On my right here is my first published novel - a bizarro, superdense, insane journey through the hidden human conditions we deny ourselves in pursuit of pretentious misgivings called Vulgarity For the Masses published by Burning Bulb Publishing and the good Mr. Gary Vincent.

Without trying to sound pretentious myself, I fail to describe this challenging tome other than to say you've never read a book like this before. You've probably seen bits of it - in the form of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, The Venture Brothers, Videodrome by David Cronenberg, Eraserhead and Twin Peaks by David Lynch, Paranoia Agent and Paprika by the late Satoshi Kon, most of the films by John Carpenter and other inspirations I've absorbed as I learned the bizarro fiction trade, but I can largely guarantee you've never read something like this before. This is anthology mindfuck, mind you, which makes this nine stories of the most surreal Black Comedy/Dark Fantasy/Gore and Horror you'll ever hold in your hands. I've even found room in there to genuinely revere the Lord Jesus wherever room could be found - just because I am a practicing Lutheran and I felt like it.

Now, a tax man from the central bureaucratic social contexts comes to me after this description and asks, "Well, then, Mr. Lawhead - you're a brand new author; all you have to your name right now is a small press book title and you're competing with Stephen King, Terry Pratchet, J.K Rowling, George R.R. Martin, J.R.R Tolkien, and Solomon and the Gospels for literary supremacy. Why should people spend money on you in this economy when they can get books from those authors?"

Well, quite frankly, because they already have them. I am not offering what those authors and their millions of rip-off authors are offering; I grow as tired of cliched storylines and plots and dialogues as anyone should in this era of bookshelf redundancy. Yeah, I'm fighting for my place on the bookshelves too - I'm fighting for your attention and I'm fighting for it in every paragraph of Vulgarity For the Masses. Every paragraph of the 246 pages between the Gustave Dore covers was meticulously designed and balanced. This book is for readers like me who just fuckin' bored with what new authors are coming up with these days. I have nothing against them or their work, but sometimes you just need something really supercharged and that is what I offer in Vulgarity For the Masses.

Want to take a look?

A Sperm Whale destroying every city in America? Got it.
A man standing trial as both his own defense and prosecution while the world hangs in the balance? Got it.
Another man snorting so many drugs he actually passes through time/space to rob a bank on Sunday? Got it.
A pair of aristocratic animals sacrificing everything to save Great Britain? Got it.
A white-people hatin' superbeast devouring victims with lessons of racism across history? Gotcha.
A bible version of the Three Little Pigs? Got it.
A two-headed hulk who switches heads with a headless woman? Roger.
A young man fighting an academic conspiracy where even I don't know what the hell's going on? Got it.
Even crazier horse crap than that saturating the book because I think the reader in this day and age deserves more effort in the titles he or she, as it were, puts hard-earned money into purchasing? Check and Mate.

If that's not enough for you, have yourself a free 20% sample courtesy of Smashwords.com where you can view 48 pages of the purest chaos the United States of America would legally allow and then deem a "book".

If you're tired of uninspired text, indulge your bulge with some literary sex compliments of Vulgarity For the Masses. This book will challenge you, repulse you, insult you and your archaic tastes in fiction and then just before you're beaten to the point where you can't get up, you start to want more and there will be 200 pages more. It's crack you can afford to smoke* with no dangers to your body at only $11.69 on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble. The E-book version, which we have in just about every format of electronic reading you could ask for, is only $3.99 on Smashwords.com and it has that 20% free sample as listed above. 

As for the rest of this site, I will be offering you more than just shit to peddle. I'm also a published musician, video game composer and OC remixer under the name 12 Followers/Meteo Xavier and I will be posting music for you to enjoy - some of it cheap, some of it for free! I am also a video game journalist for Gamecola.net and I'll be posting reviews too - and then finally, as I have a good 4-5 years of experience in the "I'm-a-struggling-author-in-a-packed-industry-desperate-to-get-published!" world, I will be offering you the best tips I can offer and find for how to get your own novel published! Hell, I'll even offer some symbiotic author/artist promotion if you want. :)

So stick around! I'm working whats left of my award-winning posterior off to not be that typical "buy my shit or blow off" author. I want to offer you more than stuff you have to buy, I want to offer you stuff you can use!

Thanks for stopping by - J.S. Lawhead

* - Don't use drugs. Only losers and hippies use drugs.

 
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